If
James Bond movies are beautiful high-priced call
girls, then "XXX" is a dirty crack whore with
syphilis.
I have to start by saying that critiquing a film
like this has it's own independent rules. We all
know, going in, that this plot is going to be
ridiculous and laughable... that's a given. In
fact, that's what we were paying to see.
We also know
that the acting is going to be of absolutely no
consequence whatsoever. And, last but not least,
we are usually aware that the script is going to
be cheesy and infantile in every way imaginable.
This is a toy movie for adults with the mental
capacity of a six year old, who happen to enjoy
a soundtrack laced with deafening speed metal.
So what I, as a critic, need to be aware of, is
strictly the entertainment value... There aren't
going to be any redeeming qualities to speak of.
This type of film is strictly meant to be two
hours of mindless laughter and manufactured
thrills. It is on that level that I must judge
this type of fluff.
So... does "XXX" even remotely succeed on those
shallow levels? In a word -- Nope!
This is more of a deafening rip off of James
Bond than anything else. I suppose it had a
couple of funny and exciting moments, but not
enough to merit even a minimal recommendation
under the title of
'summer-popcorn-action-flick'.
Will this become a franchise for Diesel and
Columbia? Well, the general public's standards
and goals are even lower... so I'd say
'Definitely!'
To recount
the plot would be absolutely pointless.
This film is basically an excuse to show
fireballs, biceps, sexy female curves, exotic
locales and insane action sequences.
Did anyone
else notice early in the film when some guy is
being shot at by someone with a high powered
machine gun? He actually hides behind a
bushy and leafy vine. The bullets rattle through
the vine, shredding every leaf in sight, but the
guy isn't hit once? Uh oh... there I go again,
applying logic to this film!
It's hard to forget such a sensory overload, but
"XXX" won't linger much longer in the memory
than the aftertaste of your greasy popcorn. One
could skip this film and save a few brain cells
for the next time you have to tie a shoelace.
This movie is like an obnoxious little
brother... just when you tell it to shut-up, it
gets even louder.
©
Written by TC Candler
Richard
Propes' Comment
Okay.
Okay. It's loud, obnoxious and we all know darn
well that Diesel can't act. This film isn't
about acting, and on a certain sub-par level
this film entertained me. Would I recommend it?
Definitely not, but there's an audience for it.
My 6'5" death metal loving brother absolutely
loves this flick!
Jacob
Hall's Comment
I agree so
much with every word in this review, it isn't
even funny. You are so right about it, that I'm
not even so sure that anyone can contemplate how
right it is...
Ranting, I know, but this sits #3 on my worst
film list!
