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"In The Heat Of The
Battle, John Cena Almost
Shows Emotion" |
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Directed by John Bonito-
Written by Michelle
Gallagher, Alan McElroy
Starring John Cena,
Kelly Carlson, Robert
Patrick
Distributed by
Twentieth-Century Fox -
2006 - 93mins - Rated
PG13 |
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Jacob Hall's
Review
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The Few. The Proud. The stoic. |
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I
thought I knew what I was getting into when I saw the trailer for “The
Marine,” but I was in for so much more. What appears to be the story
of a lone Marine fighting criminals who have kidnapped his wife is
actually so much more.
John Cena stars as the title character, a soldier who is discharged
for disobeying orders and going on a one-man mission to rescue
captured soldiers from an al-Qaeda camp located smack dab in the
middle of Iraq. We view his adjustment to the real world. He struggles
to fit in as a security guard and ends up throwing a rude businessman
threw a window. Oh, what is a Marine to do? The story kicks it up a
notch when a group of dastardly villains kidnap his wife when their
robbery goes awry. Only The Marine can stop them.
Cena gives a remarkable performance, managing to speak all of his
lines in a beautiful monotone. His facial expression, glazed over and
humorless, perfectly reflects what a lost soul he is. With his body
that has steroids running through the veins and an almost adorably
ugly face. Cena looks much like a retarded monkey with the body of
Atlas.
Even more incredible than Cena are his villains, led by Robert
Patrick. Forget Patrick’s prior work. This is the role he shall be
remembered for. When he and Cena battle with chain saws and wrenches
in the climax, you shall banish “Citizen Kane” to cinematic hell and
place “The Marine” in that spot. And how can I forget Anthony Ray
Parker as the lovable henchman who refuses to turn on a generator
because of its racist implications, humorously recalls how he was
raped at a summer camps (one of two HILARIOUS pedophilia jokes) and
delivers the best line in the movie: “I hate cops…and rock candy.”
What a marvelous script this is! It manages to have no memorable or
witty dialogue! What marvelous direction! Every single fight scene
looks exactly the same! What patriotism! The opening shot is of Cena
saluting the audience in his Marine uniform while a CGI American flag
waves in the background. You will want to stand up and pump your arm
and chant “USA! USA!” until your throat closes and you die. “The
Marine” is that powerful.
“The Marine” also manages to break new ground when it comes to
characters diving away from explosions in slow motion and walking away
unharmed. Seven times! This happens seven times! Each time, I was on
the edge of my seat!
I would love to mention the subplot about hillbillies trapping The
Marine for no apparent reason, the astounding plot twist where a
seemingly unimportant character has been a bad guy all along and the
magical ending where Cena manages to save his wife just in time for a
romantic fade to black.
In short, don’t see “The Marine.”
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© Written by Jacob Hall -
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Me! |
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How We Rated This Film
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TC Candler -
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Jacob Hall
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TC Candler's Comment
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Richard Propes' Comment
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