I have a
confession. This is a big one.
I broke the record on this film. It's true. I
knew in the first 15 seconds of this film that
it was going to be a bad film. I KNEW IT. There
was no doubt.
I kept my mind open, but I knew it would be to
no avail. This film was destined to plummet to
the depths of filmmaking hell.
So, to director Chris Matheson...I congratulate
you...Your film "Evil Alien Conquerors" is the
newest addition to my Bottom 10...yes, it's
true...this film is that awful.
In the opening seconds, you begin by hearing the
theme song...it's this sort of tribal
chant..."Evil Alien Conquerors"...it is played
repeatedly and painfully throughout the film.It
is, perhaps, the worst theme song ever
created...The original music is created by David
Russo...he's been working in the field for quite
some time...including on some major films like
"Freddy vs. Jason," "Daredevil" and other horror
films...Perhaps he knew this film would be crap
so he didn't give it his energy...it shows.
Director Chris Matheson also co-wrote the
script...he's proven moderately able to write
before with films such as "Bill & Ted's
Excellent Adventure" and its sequel. He also
directed the MUCH more insightful and
entertaining "A Goofy Movie."
This film stars Diedrich Bader, who seems to be
incredibly hit and miss. In small doses, he can
be somewhat tolerable...but, when he's called
upon to be a leading man it seems to always end
up like this fiasco. He sleepwalks through this
role...has one of the worst haircuts I've ever
seen in a film and truly about the worst
costuming. Truly, ever aspect of his character
is awful.
The film also stars Chris Parnell, of SNL
fame...now let me stress...this is NOT an SNL
film. There has never been an SNL film this bad.
Parnell gives no indication of any future in
film. He is awkward, has a sort of Andrew
McCarthy stare about him...and just appears lost
on film.
Both play aliens who are sent to Earth to behead
all Earthlings with their magic sword...The
swords, which are huge on their planet end up
being minute here...so, of course, we have a
barrage of micro-penis jokes.
The characters are ludicrous...the
characterizations empty and emotionless...the
entire film painfully unfun. This film is so bad
that Tori Spelling refused to be listed in the
credits...TORI SPELLING REFUSED CREDIT!
In my endless pursuit to tie every cast member
of "The Battle of Shaker Heights" to bad films
everywhere...I have to point out that Elden
Henson from "Shaker Heights" also makes an
appearance in this film...of course, he
is...once again, awful.
I will confess that after the first half hour,
this film seems to have accepted its inevitable
failure. It relaxes a bit...it becomes almost
just "bad" enough that it could be considered
campy...Yet, as the film ended and I recalled
what I had just seen...I can't deny the PTSD
from the theme song, the blurry vision from the
horrid costume and set design, the cringing from
the painfully bad acting...and the acute
awareness that I had just witnessed one of the
worst films ever made. Now, please, take the
nightmares away.
©
Written by Richard
Propes
TC Candler's Comment
N/A
Jacob
Hall's Comment
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