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"Does This Film
Really Suck As Bad As
Jacob Says?" |
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Written & Directed by
Written by Mark
Neveldine & Brian Taylor
Starring Jason Statham,
Amy Smart, Efren
Ramirez, Dwight Yoakam
Distributed by Lions
Gate -
2006 - 87mins - Rated R |
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Jacob Hall's
Review
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No Stars |
F |
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"Crank" is the worst film of 2006 and a definite
testament as to why the human race does indeed suck. |
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I am
all for films that go extraordinarily far over the top with their
violence, language and sex (I really liked "Running Scared"), but with
the excess, there has to be some sort talent going on behind the
camera and in front of it. The movie has to be thrilling, even when it
is disgusting.
"Crank" is all disgust, no thrills.
The premise could have made for a great action film: a hitman (Jason
Statham) is injected with a toxin that cuts off his adrenaline and
unless he keeps his heart pumping, he'll die. So he has a short amount
of time to tie up loose ends, i.e. kill the bad guys, say goodbye to
his girlfriend.
What happened?
Statham, who I have always enjoyed watching elsewhere, plays a "hero"
so unlikable and cold that it is impossible to root for him. There is
a complete lack of personality here.
Amy Smart, as the girlfriend, acts like she's in a porn film.
Speaking of porn...
There is a scene where Statham essentially anally rapes his girlfriend
in front of a large group of people, all of whom cheer. This is, of
course, played for COMEDY.
This film's view of women is misogynistic and cruel. Smart's character
is a bumbling dumbass whose only purpose is get screwed. Other female
characters? How about the one who is scantily clad, sitting inside a
large glass bubble at the villain's hangout (?), who is hit by a stray
bullet. Yes, the director takes the time to show an innocent woman,
not even important to the plot in the slightest, get killed, complete
with massive blood spray.
I'm all for trashy cinema, but not when it's this cruel and
disgusting. Even if I was okay with this, there's still the case of
the Michael Bay styled editing and camerawork, character motivations
that don't make sense, and a lot of really, really, really (I cannot
stress this enough) really bad jokes. Do you think Jason Statham
fighting a cop while he has a giant erection is the idea of a laugh?
If you do, you'll certainly LOVE this film.
I haven't even gotten to the offensive portrayal of the only gay
character in the movie, or the extraordinarily racist depictions of
blacks, Asians and Latinos. I haven't got to the blatant product
placement, the terrible dialogue and plotting, and bizarre
"flashbacks" that are among the stupidest things I have ever seen in
my filmgoing career.
"Crank" is among the worst films I have seen. I honestly cannot
imagine anyone with genuine taste liking this movie. It is beyond me. |
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© Written by Jacob Hall -
Email
Me! |
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How We Rated This Film
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TC Candler -
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No Stars |
F |
| Richard Propes
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Jacob Hall
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No Stars |
F |
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TC Candler's Comment
"Crank" reeks
more intensely of musty testosterone than a
horny, bi-curious teenage-boy's nutsack after a
shirtless, chest-bumping game of two-hand-touch
in 110 degree summer heat.
Coincidentally, the film is about as appetizing
as the pizza-faced complexion on that same young
man. Infected pus oozes out of virtually every
pore/frame of this spectacularly horrid movie.
"Crank" is as hyperactively masturbatory as that
same boy after stumbling across a free porn site
on the internet.
This film will probably only attract
mullet-wearing, Pam Anderson-worshipping,
head-banging, Jagermeister-swigging,
Trans-Am-driving, Armageddon-loving young men
who will deny, with every fibre of their being,
any suggestions of their homo-erotic leanings
even as they perform an internal circle-jerk
over Jason Statham's chiselled features and
bulging biceps.
Unless you fancy yourself a part of that
demographic, steer well clear of this dismal and
inept attempt at entertainment.
Richard Propes' Comment
n/a
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