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"The Itsy Bitsy
Spider Had His Way With
Her" |
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Directed by Renny Harlin
- Written by J.S.
Cardone
Starring Steven Strait,
Laura Ramsey, Sebastian
Stan
Distributed by Screen
Gems - 2006 - 97mins -
Rated PG13 |
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Richard Propes'
Review
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It won't cast a spell on you... |
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Renny Harlin has
received five Razzie nominations for "Worst Director." Here's my vote
for a sixth for "The Covenant," a pathetic cross between "The Lost
Boys," "Zapped," and nearly every other teenage supernatural thriller
that has ever been made.
"The Covenant" stars (I use the word "star" VERY loosely), Steven
Strait as Caleb, a sort of unofficial leader of The Sons of Ipswich
(which we learn early on, gratefully, is not a boy band). The "sons"
are, in fact, four young men with supernatural powers, directly
descending from the witches of Puritan America. "The Covenant" refers
to an agreement between the families to keep the powers a secret as
revelation inevitably leads to persecution. This secret, however, is
horridly kept as it seems nearly every young, hot thing in the film
(and there are plenty) seems to know about "The Sons." Furthermore,
when Caleb's new girlfriend, Sarah (Laura Ramsey), decides to research
it appears to take her about five minutes to find out the truth.
It's so hard to keep a secret these days.
Caleb, along with his buddies Reid (Toby Hemingway), Pogue (the
appropriately named Taylor Kitsch) and Tyler (Chace Crawford) soon
find themselves face-to-face with a mysterious newcomer, Chase
(Sebastian Stan). It has long been said that there was a fifth family
in "The Covenant," however, the fifth young man had been murdered.
<hear suspenseful music> Might this long held assumption be wrong?
Oh me. Oh my. Oh me. Oh my.
Director Renny Harlin has been a good director, which is what makes
his forays into complete garbage such as "The Covenant" such an
amazing disappointment. It is difficult to imagine that Harlin took a
look at the dailies on this film and said to himself "Damn fine film."
There's simply no way. Even the opening credits are a disappointment,
saved only by the presence of White Zombie's "More Human than Human."
Really, think about it. Isn't it a bit sad when a Rob Zombie tune is
the film's highlight? Straight ("Sky High" and "Undiscovered") and
Ramsey ("She's the Man" and "Lords of Dogtown") actually show
potential here, but are swamped by material that bounces between
campy, sub-moronic, boring and lifeless.
Special effects, especially in the film's closing battles, are
laughably bad and even the film's editing seems a bit mismatched in
three or four places. Screenwriter J.S. Cardone has penned several "B"
movies, but here he manages to take a decent concept and beat it to
death until all that's left is a kiddie college version of a
supernatural thriller. Likewise, Harlin makes use of nearly every
supernatural thriller cliche' in the book...dark lighting, rainy
nights, spiders and that all too familiar suspense thriller musical
score.
"The Lost Boys" worked largely because it only sporadically took
itself seriously. It was stylish, campy fun and it seemed like
everyone involved knew it. Here, Harlin seems hellbent on making "The
Covenant" into a razzle dazzle supernatural flick and he ends up
ignoring the opportunity to turn this film into a mindless, yet
reasonable entertaining film. The fact that Harlin so clearly sets up
the film for a sequel only serves to make his failure more
disappointing.
Only the modestly entertaining performances of Strait and Ramsey save
this film from complete failure. That said, it's hard to feel good when a
couple "C" list actors are the highlight in a film directed by a
former "A" list director.
"The Sons of Ipswich?" Maybe they should have been a boy band after
all.
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© Written by Richard Propes -
Email Me! |
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How We Rated This Film
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TC Candler -
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| Richard Propes
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Jacob Hall
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TC Candler's Comment
n/a
Jacob Hall's
Comment
n/a
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