I walked into "Catwoman" not expecting a good movie. The reviews had slaughtered it, showing it to be a monstrosity of film. Let's just say it lived down to my expectations.

I only wasted my time on this film because a free ticket came with my "Batman the Animated Series Volume 1" DVD. There's a two part episode on that DVD that features the first appearance of the Catwoman character. There, as well as in the Batman comic, she was a anti-hero named Selina Kyle, a highly skilled thief with an attraction to her nemesis, Batman. Apparently, the team of screenwriters behind the movie decided that this wasn't very good, because they have re-named her Patience Phillips, taken away Batman and Gotham City, and given her a costume that is nothing like anything she has ever worn before. Catwoman was always sensual, even though her body was always completely clothed. She was embodied perfectly by Michelle Pfeifer in "Batman Returns." In "Catwoman," she is played by Halle Berry in one of the most embarrassing performances of all time. If you want to see Catwoman as she should be, rent the animated series of "Batman Returns." Avoid this piece of trash at all costs.

I don't even know where to begin. I guess I'll start with the acting. Ms. Berry: Say bye to the Oscar and hello Razzie award! not since John Travolta in "Battlefield Earth" have I seen such an overacted and terribly mis-cast role. Travolta was so bad he was funny. Here, Berry is so bad it's sad. I think that Benjamin Bratt as her cop love interest if even worse. He never changes his emotion and just stares ahead and mutters his lines. Worst Actor Razzie, coming up. For the worst Supporting Actress, I haven't decided who deserves it more: Sharon Stone as the villain, or Frances Conroy as a creepy cat lady who knows about the powers of cats. Yeeeeeah.

The story is pitifully written. Every line is a cliche', and every character an embarrassment. "Comic relief" is supplied by Halle's friends at work: a woman who may very well be the most irritating character in cinematic history and a walking Gay stereotype. I felt embarrassed for any Gays just by watching this character. The film has no flowing storyline; it just meanders from place to place. This is also the fault of the director, but more on that @#$% later. The story takes some of the most ludicrous twists I have ever seen. The cosmetics company Halle works for is making a skin cream that will reverse aging, but as we learn in a terribly written scene, it is addictive, causes headaches, and if you quit using it, your face rots off (strangely, Halle's annoying friend falls ill from it and stop using it, but her face never rots off and the film ends with her happy and in love). Halle overhears this and is killed in a ludicrous manner, and floats into the ocean. She washes up on a convenient little concrete island on the middle of the ocean, and a bunch of cats surround her. One of the cats is one she met earlier. Strangely, while the cat was real before, here, for no apparent reason, it is computer generated, and twice the size it was earlier. For a reason never disclosed, the cat gives Halle a little kiss and turns her into Catwoman, a superhuman with the power of a cat. This bothers me for two reasons: 1. Catwoman never had cat powers, she is just supposed to be highly trained. 2. She starts acting like a cat, sniffing catnip, devouring tuna, and hissing at dogs. One must wonder if she uses a litterbox. This is scary because it is the equivalent of Peter Parker webbing up his hot dog and sucking it dry and having a penis sprout from his hand. It's just stupid and creepy. Along with gaining the speed and senses of a cat, Halle also mysteriously learns Kung-fu and how to hotwire a car and motorcycle. She also gains a penchant for S&M clothing (as I said above, the total opposite of what Catwoman should wear). She then goes out for revenge against her murderers, and the film concludes with a fight with Stone, who has been using the deadly creme for so long, her skin has turned as hard as marble and can't feel pain. And yes, she too, knows kung-fu. What is never explained is how, if her face is as hard as marble, she can do things like talk and make expressions. There must be at least 20 major plot holes, and they aren't minor, they are NOTICEABLE. This is a horrible script.

Even worse than the script, is the director. A Frenchman named Pitof, who was a visual effects guy on several French films and before that, a porn director. In terms of bad directing, he makes Michael By look like Kubrick. He is one of the many modern directors afflicted with Michael Bay Syndrome. Pitof's shots never seem to last for more than seconds, the editing is fast and choppy, and the camera is always at such odd angles that you can't tell what's going on and it cuts to other things in the middle of scenes that have no relevance to what is going on. Pitof is also to blame for the costume. Any heterosexual male should find at least some mild enjoyment in seeing Halle Berry run around in skimpy leather, but the costume is so bad that she becomes immediately unnattractive. Her costume looks like a modified Mickey Mouse Hat, and her pants look like she sat on a blender. He has no sense of pacing and there are many, many inconsistencies. Like characters wearing the same clothes two days in a row. Or how in a scene where a ferris wheel starts collapsing and it's Catwoman to the rescue, the extras just stand and watch as the ride is about to fall on them. But what makes Pitof's directing truly stand out, what makes it truly horrendous, is his use of CGI. EVERY SINGLE SCENE BEGINS WITH A CGI OPENING. I kid you not, every scene. It usually ends with one too. The shot is usually a fast zoom through the city, and CGI from 1991 looks better. Random things are made CGI for no apparent reason. Halle's cat friend is randomly CGI. In on scene he's a real cat, and in the next he's CGI and twice as big. When Pfiefer played the character, she learned how to use a whip, Catwoman's trademark weapon. Pitof and Berry take the easy way out: the whip is CGI...and it looks it. For the action scenes, Pitof rips off "Daredevil" (of all the movies to rip off), with a poorly computer generated Catwoman leaping from building to building. Simple stunts, like a punch, a kick, or a small jump, are computer generated when a stuntperson could have sufficed. This film cost $100 million, but looks like it cost $2. Catwoman seems to be more CGI than real. There is a CGI shot of Catwoman WALKING. WALKING! And it's so incredibly obvious. Pitof: worst director of all time.

Overall, what truly damns Catwoman, is Catwoman herself. She is unlikable, boring, and simply stupid. I could never relate or cheer her on.

In an age of superhero adventures like "Spider-Man 2" and fantasy experiences like "The Lord of the Rings," it is an insult to see such a movie. This is one of the worst movies ever made.

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler - No Stars F Richard Propes - No Stars F Jacob Hall - No Stars F

TC Candler's Comment

Woof.

Richard Propes' Comment

Cringe.

A painful cringe.

Finally, a film has come along that makes "Gigli" look like a work of art.

I'd seen the reviews...I'd heard the laughs and the criticism and the "worst of the year" talk...but, I actually expected this film to appeal to me on a certain level. I thought it would make me laugh enough to move it higher up on the scale.

It took five minutes for me to be irritated...I was irritated by the camera that constantly moved, almost bouncing with characters as they walked down the street. I was irritated by the score that didn't fit the action or the mood or the pacing...I was irritated by the production design with off-balance colors, cheesy special effects and a simply Godawful Catwoman. I was irritated with Halle Berry, Benjamin Bratt and especially Sharon Stone.

I wanted to stop watching, but I knew I had to review this film...I just had to write my feelings, my thoughts and my ideas. I had to see if it would improve...offer anything resembling a light anywhere in the film. It never did.