Other than having a crew member whose name is identical to that of a well-known murdered journalist, "Captivity" has virtually nothing unique to offer and, in the end, is yet another in a recent long line of cinematic horror-porn attempting to pass itself off with pseudo social insights and alleged women's empowerment lessons.

MEMO TO ROLAND JOFFE
AND SCREENWRITER LARRY COHEN

You can't suddenly empower a woman in a film after having systematically confined, tortured, humiliated and violated her and expect it to pass off as "women's empowerment." It didn't work for "I Spit On Your Grave" and it doesn't work for "Captivity."

Let's take "Captivity" for what it is...Joffe's desperate, pathetic attempt to capitalize on the current popularity of horror-porn, ultra-gore flicks that do nothing but satiate the warped minds of young male fanboys with nothing better to do on a Friday night than to vent their own sexual frustrations by getting off on the cinematic suffering of others.

Starring Cuthbert as Jennifer, a top New York fashion model who finds herself drugged and scooped away from a New York nightclub only to awaken in a dark cell reminiscent of other recent horror-porn like the "Hostel" films, "Captivity" essentially follows Jennifer as she's subjected to a series of increasingly severe physical, emotional and psychological tortures including, much to the delight of gore fans, a smoothie made from the body parts of other recent victims.

It's a shame that Lionsgate, the studio releasing "Captivity," didn't have the foresight to forge a marketing tie-in with Smoothie King.

Man, I should be in marketing.

Joffe actually missed the boat by not turning "Captivity" into the dark comedy it's crying out to be. Not real long after Jennifer finds herself captive, she discovers that her captor is also holding a pretty boy (David Gillies) and, yes, oddly enough even in the midst of unfathomable torture sparks fly...and it's not just the body parts!

Gee whiz, and we thought Guantanamo Bay was a bad place. I bet it's all filled with love, too!

About an hour into "Captivity," Joffe does manage to insert a bit of a twist...some will swear it's remarkably clever, while I personally saw it coming a mile away and I don't even remotely fancy myself a horror film connoisseur.

Unfortunately, the vast majority of "Captivity" fails to live up to the promise of its rather horrifying and intriguing movie posters and advertising. This is, of course, partially due to the lackluster performance by Cuthbert. Cuthbert certainly is attractive enough to pass off as a fashion model, however, she never creates a remotely sympathetic performance that makes us care about Jennifer.

Joffe, who has offered such brilliant films as "The Mission" and "The Killing Fields," appears to be doing a piece-by-piece imitation of other recent horror flicks. Did he think that maybe "Captivity" would end up resembling a work of love such as Rodriguez and Tarantino's "Grindhouse?"

If so, he neglected one huge point...Rodriguez and Tarantino's film worked because those two directors obviously loved the films they were imitating. "Grindhouse" may have been a bit of an imitation, but it was a constantly respectful and affectionate one.

"Captivity" is just a rip-off. Even worse, "Captivity" is just a bad rip-off.

While Cuthbert is not called upon to do much more than scream and whine, the rest of the supporting cast isn't adding much to the film either.

How can this much torture be so incredibly boring?

Cohen, who has a long history in scripting horror films, produces a script here that is also mind-numbingly boring and unintelligible. Pearl's camerawork, too, does little to build the tension despite the naturally claustrophobic setting of the dark, dank cell.

It is difficult to imagine what was going through Joffe's mind when he actually agreed to this project. As utterly horrid as his "The Scarlet Letter" was, at least one could easily understand why he would tackle the project.

I can't imagine the sales pitch involved that would have convinced him to attach his name to a film such as this one.

Cuthbert, on the other hand, has stated repeatedly in recent interviews that she's choosing her scripts more carefully.

Umm, Elisha? Darling? No, you're not. You continue choosing the same mindless, irrelevant dreck you always have that shows off your body and nothing else. If you want us to take you seriously as an actress, then perhaps you could actually try acting.

Just a thought.

Despite the disaster that is "Captivity," one can't deny that Joffe, being the essentially good director that he is, managed to keep "Captivity" from being a complete waste of time. The first twist, for example, early in the film is shot convincingly with a fair amount of suspense. Likewise, while it may have been unintended, the darkly comic moments of chemistry between Jennifer and Gary are twistedly enjoyable. It's too bad Joffe couldn't just commit himself to making a seriously twisted but funny film.

Here's hoping that the latest Harry Potter flick captivates this weekend's box-office and the only thing captured by Roland Joffe's "Captivity" is a fast trip to your local video store shelves where gleeful fanboys can get all googly-eyed over the inevitable unrated DVD sure to follow.