Oh Uwe!

When I think of Uwe Boll, I picture a 40 year old man-child with a receding hairline who spends his days sitting on a bean bag chair, playing video games and granting online interviews, feeling genuinely sad about the internet hatred of his films.

Having humanized Mr. Boll, every time he says something ridiculous (on his "House of the Dead" he said "This is a serious violence film, like "Saving Private Ryan") or makes a film like "BloodRayne," I do not feel like bashing it. I feel like chuckling and saying "Oh Uwe!" like the climax of a bad sitcom. Thinking of Boll as an immature kid makes his movies far more tolerable...I pass this on to you, fair reader, so you can watch his films and live.

Like most of Boll's movies, "BloodRayne" is based on a video game. The game was about a vampire fighting Nazi Germany in the '40s. But this IS a Uwe Boll film, so the plot is now in the 1700s (I think) and takes place in eastern Europe (I think). Time and place are impossible to pin down. Many of the featured weapons are medieval in appearance, while others are definitely from the late 1700s and early 1800s. The architecture also varies, and the peasants wear appropriate peasant clothing...but our female heroines wear modern looking tank tops and leather outfits that wouldn't look place in downtown LA. Oh Uwe!

The new storyline is about a half-vampire, half-human girl named Rayne (Kristanna Loken) who escapes from her circus captors in a ludicrous fashion, kills her best friend, takes her swords (never showing any sympathy throughout the rest of the film) and goes on a quest to kill Kagan (Ben Kingsley, resembling George Washington so much in his coat and powdered wig that when he marches robotically toward Rayne with an 18th century saber in the climax, the effect is like vampire Washington crossing the Delaware), the king of all vampires, who wants to collect three vampire body parts that will give him ultimate power...I think. He really doesn't seem to have any real motivation. Rayne has allies in Vladimir, played by Michael Madsen (!), whose seems to exist only to provide "wise mentor" clichés, Sebastian, played by Matt Davis (completely devoid of anything called acting), and Katarin (Michelle Rodriguez, who literally does nothing in the story except look angry and provide a plot point that is abruptly dropped and is completely unimportant). Rounding out the cast is Meat Loaf Oday (!!) as a sexually rambunctious vampire surrounded by nude women who growls, looks constipated and provides absolutely no relevance to the plot, Billy Zane as Rodriguez's father (!!!) who is apparently a vampire (I think), and Boll regular Will Sanderson (Boll on why he keeps casting Sanderson in each film: "He needs the money"), who seems to be tragically cross-eyed and provides unintentional laughter with each appearance. Oh Uwe!

If Michael Madsen playing a fellow named Vladimir wasn't enough for you, Boll delivers one of the saddest, funniest sex scenes I have ever seen. No, it is not meant to be either, and this sadly proves that Matt Davis and Kristanna Loken can never escape to porn after this film ruins their careers. Since his specialty is sex and violence, Boll also serves up plenty of the red stuff, usually in blurry slow motion, or in the puzzling case of the climax, a choppy look that appears as if every third frame is missing (possibly to hide the fact that Kingsley isn't really fighting). Speaking of Kingsley, what the hell is the man who played Gandhi doing here? He sits on a throne and looks menacing for an hour, bites a neck or two and like all other vampires, looks constipated right before he attacks. Oh Uwe!

I could go on...perhaps about the incomprehensible editing that makes such awkward decisions that one must wonder exactly what anyone involved in the film was thinking...maybe the video game-like special effects...even the ENDLESS shots of people riding horses...Hell, I could even mention the trailer for Boll's next film (In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale), coming out later this year. It's absolutely turgid, but it's worth seeing so that you can see Ray Liotta snarl, leap around in slow motion and try to play an evil sorcerer.

I guess this means we'll have a double does of Boll this year. Thankfully they're about 11 months apart. Although this is my first film of 2006, I do not hesitate to call it one of the year's worst. But still, I have a picture in my head of Boll standing before a table of very angry looking investors, shrugging, and saying "I didn't do it!"

Oh Uwe!

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler -     Richard Propes - No Stars F Jacob Hall - D-

TC Candler's Comment

n/a

Richard Propes' Comment

I had every intention of not failing this film. I fully expected to rate it higher than Jacob, in fact. I thought he was being harsh...perhaps even a bit silly about it all. Sure, I'm aware of Boll's reputation and I'd never go so far as to consider him a good director. Yet, he showed in "Heart of America" that there's something there...potential, perhaps? I don't know. All I can say is I expected more. Instead, I found myself cringing, physically cringing, within three minutes of watching this film. Beyond the universally godawful performances, the production design is a stunning disappointment and the special effects are nothing short of amateur. The clincher for me in terms of an actual "F?" Boll reportedly had an approximately $35 million budget to shoot this film, and I found Blair Witch's special effects far more convincing. Boll may very well still have potential as a director, however, this film reveals none of that potential. Quite simply, it is a failure.