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"Where's the
Friggin' Mistletoe When
You Need It???" |
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Directed by Glen Morgan
- Written by Glen Morgan
Starring Michelle
Trachtenberg, Lacey
Chabert, Mary Elizabeth
Winstead
Katie Cassidy, Andrea
Martin, Jessica Harmon,
Oliver Hudson
Distributed by MGM -
2006 - 84m - Rated R |
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Richard Propes'
Review
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I love Christmas. |
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I so look forward to
the joyful sounds of Christmas music everywhere I go, the family
gatherings, the sharing of Christmas stories alongside a crackling
fireplace and, lest I forget, the spirit of compassion and
generosity that fills the air.
No, wait.
I was wrong. I HATE the Christmas season. I can't stand that damn
piped in Christmas muzak, gathering with family members I won't see
again for another year, Christmas stories that can best be described
as fantasies and the spirit of commercialism and "me first" that
permeates every cell of American society.
Yet, I do have ONE Christmas tradition that I cherish to the very
core of who I am.
Every year, on Christmas Day, I travel out to my local movie theatre
alongside the other holiday rejects and loners to view the latest,
greatest horror flick to be released on Christmas weekend. This
tradition, nearly 15 years old now, has weathered my many ups and
downs of my life and, this year, felt especially appropriate as 2006
has been, by nearly every measure possible, a true horror.
This year's entry in my holiday horror film tradition?
"Black Christmas."
With disturbingly graphic trailers, gore fans have been eagerly
anticipating this Glen Morgan directed remake of Bob Clark's 1974
vastly underrated original film. Clark, who has also given us
another holiday tradition with "A Christmas Story," was involved in
this remake...involvement that only increased the eager anticipation
for those of us who loved the original's intensely frightening blend
of suspense and predictable, yet well-paced horror twists.
In the hands of Morgan (the "Final Destination" films and
"Willard"), however, "Black Christmas" is a gory yet pointless
exercise in textbook horror that inexplicably removes nearly
everything that made the original film special and replaces it with
killings that, while gory, offer nothing unique, nothing
entertaining and, worst of all, nothing particularly frightening.
"Black Christmas" centers on a young boy named Billy who grows up in
a home with a loving father and a horrid, hateful mother. One day,
he witnesses the mother killing his father. His abuse continues
until he is one day sexually assaulted by his mother who becomes
pregnant and eventually gives birth.
Are you following this?
Eventually, Billy exacts revenge upon his mother and stepfather in a
most horrifying way. He is locked away until, of course, he escapes
from the asylum and returns to the house (which, oddly enough, has
been turned into a sorority house filled with only hot women played
by the likes of Lacey Chabert, Katie Cassidy, Jessica Harmon and
others).
While the "Final Destination" films are far from benchmarks in
cinema, they've certainly always had their place. They're light,
fluffy horror films with a certain tongue-in-cheek quality about
them that makes them sort of like "pop horror" films that can appeal
to a mass market.
Unfortunately, "Black Christmas" never gains a solid foundation and
Morgan can't seem to decide whether or not he wants to make a
hardcore gory flick, a suspenseful homage to the original film, an
intellectual thriller or even just a decent film.
The end result is that Glen Morgan ends up accomplishing none of
these things.
While "Black Christmas" is certainly gory enough for fans of schlock
horror, it lacks the attitude, fun and uniqueness necessary to win
over these very discerning fans. Fans of over-the-top horror films
such as "Hostel" are likely to watch "Black Christmas" and respond
with a mere "Eh."
The film's script, also penned by Morgan, is dreadful in its own
right and even more inept when one considers the creativity and
uniqueness of the original film upon which it is based. Morgan
should get some credit for giving this update more of a back-story
that attempts to explain Billy's behaviors, whereas the original
largely left the background unexplained. Unfortunately, Morgan goes
too far and spends way too much time building a background for
characters who are never fully developed. The dialogue is
nonsensical, the production design slick but often cheap looking
(You will likely laugh when you see the film's snow). The sound mix
is noticeably uneven, and Morgan paces the film so awkwardly that
even at a mere 84 minutes it has 2-3 markedly dull moments.
The film stars Robert Mann, as Billy (with a slight, predictable
twist), and a bevy of up-and-coming beauties who should have known
better than to involve themselves in this trip. Fans of horror film
nudity won't be disappointed, however, with the likes of Lacey
Chabert, Katie Cassidy and the rest of the sorority sisters. Andrea
Martin, who appeared in the 1974 film, makes an appearance here, as
well, however, it's far from used to its full potential.
With disappointing gore, a poorly structured script, production
deficits and a clear emphasis on style over substance, "Black
Christmas" is a surprisingly disappointing remake of an underrated
horror classic. With nary a decent performance from any of the cast,
"Black Christmas" is seemingly destined for a quick run in movie
theatres before it finds itself in its rightful place on the video
store shelf waiting all of us holiday rejects and loners to rent and
vent our holiday frustrations away next Christmas day.
If you really want to rent a campy Christmas horror film either head
out and pick up the 1974 original "Black Christmas" or check out
last year's "Santa's Slay." |
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© Written by Richard Propes -
Email Me! |
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How We Rated This Film
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TC Candler -
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| Richard Propes
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Jacob Hall
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TC Candler's Comment
n/a
Jacob Hall's
Comment
n/a
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