Sometimes a movie comes along that is so bad in so many ways, that you are so absorbed by how horrendous it is until the credits roll and you realize that you are lying in a puddle of your own vomit...

Okay, perhaps that is an exaggeration (PERHAPS), but it was pretty close to that after watching the bloated action/"comedy" "Bad Boys II." Never have I seen a film so in love with itself; a film that almost seems convinced that it will make money just by having it's heroes swagger across the screen in a sort of "badass" way and then dive in slow-motion wielding dual pistols and firing ammo amounts that John Woo would have found excessive. This is a film package wrapped for the hyperactive, sexually starved male teenager who thinks that simplistic, meaningless violence and language are the coolest things to hit the earth since porno and hot pockets. "Bad Boys II" is violent for the sake of being violent, not to make a point. It uses excessive language not to drive a point home or create an atmosphere (see "Pulp Fiction" for that done well), but because it's apparently COOL to curse. "Bad Boys II" is a film devoid of moral, but doesn't offer anything else in it's place. It's a hyped, expensive piece of trash that achieves popularity by latching onto the already twisted psyche of youth. This is a sick film.

I did see the first "Bad Boys," and I can't recall too much. Will Smith and Martin Laurence fought a bunch of guys, some cars blew up, and the day was won. It was a completely forgettable and simplistic action film. Several years later, Smith's career went off on a huge rise, and Laurence went into a slump. Then the ultimate hack team got together again: producer Jerry Bruckheimer and director Michael Bay. Bay had one good film on his resume: the average "The Rock," which was obviously a fluke. Bruckheimer was about to make the one good film of his career: "Pirates of the Caribbean," which only worked because of Johnny Depp and Gore Verbinski. These little box office drawing hacks decided that a sequel to "Bad Boys" would be a good idea if given a $130 million budget and a huge advertising campaign. What about the "R" rating? Well, "The Matrix" proves that "R" movies are IN again! So these two little hacks got the cast back again: Will Smith, a fine actor when given the chance was fresh off his excellent performance in "Ali." Laurence was in desperate need of the work, because, let's face it: he's not funny and no one sees his movies. They even coaxed the usually reliable Joe Pantoliano back into the role of the police chief (Well, he was just recovering from a failed TV show...). Then a team that, rumor has it, was a dozen people, crapped on a piece of paper and called it a script (although only two people are credited with the monstrosity).

Going over the plot of the movie in detail would be a waste of time, so here's the basics. The "Bad Boys" try to bust drug dealers. They meet resistance. A lot of things blow up. The end. Throughout the film, we are treated to Bay's usual cinematography, which consists of moving the camera around really fast and try to look cool. We also get his usual editing; his editing motivation? "Let's pretend, this is a music video!" Yeah. Right. Bay also packs on the squibs. Every gunshot squirts blood over the camera or on a wall. Okay, lots of movies do this, but not as often or as boring as this. You want tastelessness though? Okay. Our "heroes" are chasing a funeral van, when the back falls open and dead bodies roll out. The bodies are then run over, and we get to see heads and limbs roll off. Is there a point to this? Does Bay get a sick pleasure out of seeing dead bodies ripped apart? He must, because a little later, our heroes sneak into a mortuary, looking for drugs hidden in corpses, and then engage in a little fun with body parts. If you are making a small, cult film, sure, by all means have a character rip a body open, take out organs and toss them over his shoulder onto the floor. Seriously, though, when I go to see an action film, I want to have some fun, not see corpses dismembered for any particular reason. When the film forces us to try to swallow it's tastelessness, it's even worse. Early on, our heroes fight the Klu Klux Klan when they try to make a drug purchase. Why are the KKK buying ecstasy? Why do they light a burning cross during a drug deal? Because it's an easy excuse for our black heroes to gun them all down. Not that this film is defending blacks, it doesn't seem that way. They are presented either as foul-mouthed cops, stupid gangsters, or dreadlocked Jamaican drug dealers. Naturally, it seems every villain in the film is a racist. The main villain (who's just a bad actor doing a bad "Scarface" impression) is Hispanic, but he seems racist too. This is a cheap trick to get us to hate the villains. Strangely, though, I found myself equally hating the heroes. As they drive around and shoot things, they seem to put more innocent people in danger and destroy more property than the villains do. During an over hyped car chase (which pales to "The Matrix Reloaded" and the best car chase film ever, "Ronin"), so many cars are destroyed and blown up, one can only attempt to guess the civilian casualties. This is never brought up, but in the next scene, we are informed that "no cops died" (although I find this highly unlikely because, during the chase, a patrol car blew up, burst into flames, and almost appeared to melt). The heroes even destroy a small shanty town at the end of the movie during another chase. Why should we forgive them for making a bunch of people homeless? Because one character makes a quick, almost inaudible remark that "drugs are made in this town." Oh gee, thanks, I feel a lot better. Also note the simply horrible scene where Laurence and Smith try to intimidate Laurence's daughter's date by acting like gangsters, cursing, asking him if he's gay, and slapping the "N" word on him. It's just am awful, unfunny scene that tries too hard to be funny. There are some moments in "Bad Boys II" that are almost funny, but they go on for so long that the weak joke breaks.

The action fails to deliver, the humor is not amusing, and the actors aren't that exciting. Did I mention it's boring, too? Oh yes, when the movie's not stupid, it's boring, complete with ridiculous subplot and a pitiful attempt to humanize the villain (a brief segment involving a Russian mobster and his attempted revenge has no place in the film and just seems to be there to have a body nearly split in half by bullets).

I seriously hope that Smith sticks to decent roles, because I really do like him. I hope Laurence keeps making bad movies so I won't have to see more of him. But most of all, I hope that Bay and Bruckheimer return to Hell and leave us alone. As filmgoers we deserve better.

As HUMANS, we deserve better.

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler - No Stars F Richard Propes - D+ Jacob Hall - No Stars F

TC Candler's Comment

'Bad Boys II' is yet another unnecessary sequel to an original that doesn't merit one. Clichéd plot lines and clichéd characters litter this film that is laden with slow motion action sequences that aren't based in any sense of reality, thus making them laughable and unexciting. This is an awful production!!!

Richard Propes' Comment

"Bad Boys II" was worse than expected. "Bad Boys II" is filled with "pretty" violence...violence that is wrapped around humor and entertainment. Quite honestly, moments of this I can tolerate. In this film, it is the dominating factor.

In the midst of all this violence and destruction, Smith manages to be nominated for an NAACP "Image Award." Having gone to a Black college, I can't help but question a community's self-image when the most powerful African-American organization in the country chooses to recognize an actor's performance in a film such as this with an "Image Award." It is sad, pathetic and grossly inappropriate. In fact, it's even worse...this film itself was nominated for the same "Image Award" for Best Picture.

Barring a few decent action sequences and supporting performances, I would choose to fail this film. However, on a very very very base level it worked in providing "action." For that, I will stick it comfortable in the "D" range and state very clearly that I do not recommend it.