I once read an article by Roger Ebert discussing the importance of Average Shot Length (ASL). The ASL is the average amount of time the camera remains on something without cutting. Research shows that patient, wonderful directors like Woody Allen and Martin Scorsese have average ASLs or 14 seconds to 30 seconds. Ebert says that times like these are appropriate for films to have intelligent conversation and easy to follow storyline. Then, he brings up "Armageddon." The ASL in this film in 2.3 seconds. Therefore, the scene cuts an average of about every 2 seconds. This proves Ebert right. While the works of Scorsese and Allen are intelligent, Michael Bay's "Armageddon" is one of the most unintelligent films ever made.

The "story," if that's what you want to call it, is about a giant asteroid heading for Earth. Several smaller waves have already hit Earth (obviously so the "filmmakers," if that's what you want to call them, can destroy New York, Paris, and other cities for the "enjoyment," if you want to call it that, of seeing thousands of innocent people die), and the military wants to take out the big one because it will destroy Earth. They decide that they have to land on the asteroid, dig a hole, and put a nuke in it. Rather than train astronauts how to do this task, they hire several oil diggers and train them to go up. It's a pretty fantastic cast, though, I'll give it that: Bruce Willis, Billy Bob Thornton, Steve Buscemi, Will Patton, Michael Clark Duncan, and others (if you want to call co-stars Ben Affleck and Liv Tyler good, go ahead, but just don't talk to me).

In his book "I hated, hated, hated this Movie," Ebert makes an extremely memorable quote about "Armageddon." I don't recall exactly how it went, but here's the jist of it: "The film is so intent on being stylish, that every frame is crammed filled with everything. You can take any thirty seconds of film from it and make a TV spot." Style certainly is a nice thing, but when your entire film is based entirely on style, you have a problem. When your characters make no sense, and they do stupid things, all style is thrown out the door. Perhaps the simpleton movie goers don't care, because they turned this into a box office smash.

There is one scene in particular that bothers me. When the oil diggers face trouble and break their drill, one of the astronauts there to help turns on the nuclear bomb so that they can try to destroy it anyway. When they try to stop them, he pulls a gun on them. One of the characters remarks, "Why's he have a gun in space?" My feelings exactly. Why is there a gun in space? They're not expecting to fight terrorists, are they? Later, one character goes nuts and finds a chain gun stored on the ship. Why is there a gun on the ship? WHY?

I feel very bad for the cast, especially Willis, Buscemi, and Thornton, who truly are so far above this film. Many of the nice actors are there t die and do little else. That's what you get when you see a film produced by the infamous Jerry Bruckheimer: many explosions, a lack of plot, and some nice actors humiliating themselves. Oh, yeah, and cliche's. Lots of 'em. Also, an attempt to be patriotic. And to be funny (believe me, all of the humor falls flat).

Eventually, we reach the inevitable conclusion: our heroes dig the hole, but one man must sacrifice himself to save the world (I saw this coming an hour earlier). He does, and the ship barely escapes the explosion. They land, and all of them are reunited with their loved ones (note the young kid wearing a shirt with the America flag on it, and how it rippled in the wind as the kid runs in slow motion; definition of corn).

So, if you ever have wanted to see Ben Affleck play with animal crackers on Liv Tyler's stomach, then you may love this. Perhaps you'll love it when you finish it at first and go home happy. But I assure you: the next morning, you'll wake up with a headache, look in the mirror, and gasp to yourself, "My God, I actually watched that movie...and liked it..."

Then you'll vomit in the toilet

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler - No Stars F Richard Propes - D Jacob Hall - D+

TC Candler's Comment

One of my favorite sayings is that there are two kinds of moviegoing people... the "Schindler's List" crowd and the "Armageddon" crowd.  If that doesn't tell you how much I loathe this film, then nothing will.  It is the epitome of Hollywood garbage churned out for money and with no regard for quality.  "Armageddon" is dreadful in every imaginable way and ranks as one of the worst mainstream releases in the history of cinema.  I award this film no praise at all and may God have mercy on its soul... But a simple F would be fine too.

Richard Propes' Comment

I have to admit it. I pulled up this review, looked at the picture above and just started laughing. I couldn't stop laughing for nearly five minutes. I'm serious. Look at that photo. Look at the facial expressions and the body language. I'm practically in tears laughing as I write this comment. I suppose the only reason I pass this film is that I'm not convinced the filmmakers were really trying to do anything special. This film was meant to be techno crap, and it is techno crap. I have to also admit (Boy, this is embarrassing) that one of my absolute favorite ex-girlfriends said the song "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" reminded her of us. I know. I know. How sickly sweet. I promise, I won't go there anymore. :)