Whoever wins, we lose."

You got that right.

A film pitting two of film's greatest creatures against each other has been in the works for years, and not a moment went by, where it was not in production hell. Since 1990, many scripts have been written, many directors have been attached, and the cast has always been different. It was not until, of all people, Paul WS Anderson pitched his idea to Fox, that the project was officially greenlit. With Anderson at the helm, this was the best we were going to get, folks.

I am a huge fan of the "Alien" films (at least the first three), and while "Predator" is questionable as a classic, it is a favorite of mine. So I, as much as anybody, couldn't wait to see these two monsters duke it out...then the new came. The news the Anderson was directing was a blow to the mind. The news that it would have a cast of nobodies was a blow to the stomach. And when it was revealed that the film was PG-13, that was Fox's knee slamming onto the gonads of every "Alien" or "Predator" fan out there. How could it NOT be "R" when it's about an alien that not only tears people apart, but uses their bodies as hosts for new creatures...which then burst out of the human chests with a spray of gore? What about the Predators, alien big game hunters, who skinned their prey or removed their heads as trophies for their spaceship walls...most of their prey is humans!

The good news, is that, despite the PG-13 rating, the violence is pretty heavy here. Don't sigh yet, gorehounds. In typical Anderson fashion, the story is weak, the characters weaker, the acting atrocious, and the direction horrendous. If Anderson had been in charge of the entire production, this would have been a "F" film. But since he has some great special effects guys, and his creatures were designed by HR Gieger (the Alien) and Stan Winston (the Predator), he already has a jump start.

What's really sad about "AVP" as the previews like to call it, is that it's a great way to get the creatures to meet, and it has some really interesting ideas and a good scene or two. But Paul WS Anderson directs like a 6 year old in his sandbox with his action figures. He sure likes to toss them in the dirt and have them kill each other, but he's too concerned that mama (AKA Fox) is looking, so he never tries to do anything extreme, for fear of getting in trouble. I could see that this could have been a wonderfully entertaining film if it had a new script, cast, and director.

I won't bore you with a lengthy plot summary. It involves a Pyramid under the arctic ice, where aliens are kept prisoner, and young predators are left there to hunt the aliens for rights of manhood. Naturally, a team of humans gets caught in the middle of the war, and is slaughtered...mostly off screen when it' the alien, but the Predator kills are actually pretty graphic. The story is kind of lame overall, and the characters and acting, while not Razzie worthy, is bad. The only decent actor in the bunch, is Lance Henriksen, but his casting completely screws with the Alien mythology.

I'm not flunking this film because I like the aliens and the Predators, and I enjoy seeing them...even if their film is this. The Queen alien also gets her due. She figures in a marvelously entertaining chase scene. Shame the rest of the film isn't as good as that one scene.

The crippling factor, though, what really upsets me about "AVP," is that...it's silly. "Alien Resurrection" was stupid and corny, but it was never silly. This is silly.

(Wipes away tear)

If you're twelve years old and have never seen an Alien or Predator film, then you'll drink this up like a carton of juice. True fans will just want to keep their distance. Bring on "Alien 5" or "Predator 3." Just not this. Please.

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler - D- Richard Propes - D+ Jacob Hall - D+

TC Candler's Comment

As abysmal as one would expect from such a lazy premise.

Richard Propes' Comment

I remember going to see "Moulin Rouge." I had this horrible headache, but somehow the film made me forget about it. I also had a headache when I went to see "Alien vs. Predator," and the film only made it worse. As TC notes, the premise is lazy, the film is horridly acted and it's just so noisy. It's almost non-stop, unnecessary noise.