Living in Texas for a decent part of my life, I have had to learn two things involving Texas history:

1. I had to learn it. It's a required course in 4th and 7th grade. Not too many complaints on this. The Lone Star State has a fascinating and shady history that history buffs will love.

2. I've also had to learn to put up with the Texas Flag waving lunatics who are convinced that Texas is the best thing since the toaster and will trample and devour anyone who points out a fault in the modern condition of the state or a corrupt moment in it's history.

"The Alamo" was directed and written by one of the above mentioned flag-waving lunatics. Originally set to be directed by Ron Howard, who planned a super-bloody, "Saving Private Ryan"-type film that wouldn't hide the hidden truths of the Alamo, a change in plans allowed John Lee Hancock to create an ode to Texas pride. The type of film that kept Texas theatres packed for weeks by the time it had bombed because the rest of the country didn't give a damn for Texan propaganda.

Everyone knows the story: The Texans rebel against the vicious and evil Mexican army led by Santa Anna. General Sam Houston is still training an army. 200 brave men die defending a fort called The Alamo, buying Houston enough time to get his army in shape.

What the filmmakers decided to leave out: The Mexican government offered Americans a damn good deal to come to Texas and settle the land. Lots and lots of land for free. The one condition? No slavery on Mexican territory. Well, fiddle-dee-dee, they bring their slaves anyway, and won't send them back or free them when the Mexican government asks. Americans are offended, after all, how can they grow crops without SLAVES? They claim they are having their rights taken away and rebel. The Mexican army does what any country would do: fight back. No nation is stupid enough to have it's valuable land taken away by a bunch of farmer with squirrel guns!

When "The Alamo" begins, there is much talk about how they are "fighting for freedom" without the slavery aspect. We are supposed to assume that the Mexicans are evil for no apparent reason. They keep talking about freedom...for a long time. When they finally get to the Alamo, they barricade themselves and talk about freedom and responsibility for a longer time. Yaaaawn. Then, when the attack comes, there is an explosion of harsh PG-13 violence that is quick, brutal, and the best scene in the film. The siege is remarkable.

A great battle is no reason for a film to be great, though. Between the flag-waving theatrics, Hancock has tried to show that not everyone at the Alamo was perfect. Col. William Barrett (Patrick Wilson) Travis is the 1800s version of a yuppie who abandoned his pregnant wife. Jim Bowie (Jason Patric) is an angry and surly drunk who often whips out his large knife in a dramatic way to provoke a fight. Both performances are bad, but neither can mimic the supreme, awful badness of Dennis Quaid as Sam Houston. I often enjoy watching Quaid, and he is usually a fine actor. But when he is bad, my God, he is BAD. His role here is not quite "Dragonheart" bad, but I'd say it's pretty close. Houston gives inspirational speech after inspirational speech, and soon, his very appearance on screen drew giggle from me. Quaid seems to be attempting a southern accent, but what he sounds like is a man who must YELL EVERYTHING HE SAYS in half Irish, half sumthin' else way. Oh, by the way, his negative character trait is that he's a drunk.

There are other characters, but few of them are worthy of mention. Juan Seguin shows up for a few minutes, but does just about nothing. Hancock said that he wanted to show the Latinos who fought at the Alamo and give them respect. He has done so by making them Hispanic stereotypes who occasionally make background noise while Bowie and Travis argue.

The only good performance in the film is actually a great one: Billy Bob Thornton as Davy Crockett. Crockett was a washed up man by this point in his life, living off his fame but desperate to to something with his life. Thornton is great, and his scenes are noticeably better than the others.

"The Alamo" does not end with the Alamo, but with the battle of San Jacinto. In the movie, Houston's 600 men gallanty charge the waiting Mexican army of thousands and drive them away, winning independence. In real life, the Texans attacked the Mexicans while they were taking their afternoon siesta and were completely defenseless. Figures.

"The Alamo" is an insult to the intelligence of anyone who was not raised loving Texas more than the United States. Texas is the only state I know of where it's students have to say a "Texas pledge" after the American Pledge of Allegiance in School (for the record, I sit down and don't participate in the Texas pledge). This type of ignorance and arrogance made this movie. This type of ignorance is what is wrong with America.

© Written by Jacob Hall

How We Rated This Film TC Candler -     Richard Propes - C Jacob Hall - C

TC Candler's Comment

n/a

Richard Propes' Comment

I expected "The Alamo" to be in my "B" range...I'd heard enough about it to not expect a tremendous film, but I also have enough interest in the subject and the cast to expect this film to work much better than it actually does.

This film centers around the 1835-1836 Alamo Battles involving the legends Davy Crockett (Thornton), Jim Bowie and others. While I am far from an "Alamo" buff, I do have an interest in the subject and everything I've read has indicated this film is pretty accurate historically considering its theatrical nature.

Thornton does a nice job here, and truly tries to add some life to this film, but is surrounded by a remarkably blase' script, especially considering it is co-penned by Steve Gaghan (who gave us "Traffic").

Dennis Quaid does alright here as Sam Houston, but Jason Patric seems to sleepwalk through his role as James Bowie. For an actor famous for his demanding nature and refusal to play fluff...well, he's given an incredibly meaty role here and just completely blows it.

If you're going to "Remember the Alamo," I suggest remembering the John Wayne version and just letting this one rest in peace.