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You are an Ebert if... |
You are a Schmo if... |
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A big part of your life is devoted
to film -- watching, discussing, exploring, experimenting,
learning. |
A two-hour segment of your Friday
nights are spent at the local cineplex for the latest prequel. |
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You recognize the names of Isabelle
Huppert, Catherine Deneuve, Daniel Auteuil, Michelangelo
Antonioni, Yasujiro Ozu & Ingmar Bergman. |
You see those names on the left and
immediately think something negative about subtitles and/or
foreigners in general. You prefer good old American action
stars. |
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You know the way to the local
art-house theatre without having to check Google maps. |
You know where all the AMC's
are, but you hate having to walk all the way to screen number 17. |
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You can enjoy some movies as
entertainment and films as art. |
You enjoy being entertained but
think that art is too stuffy and deep. |
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You hate "Armageddon". |
You thought "Armageddon" rocked. |
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You adore "Schindler's List" and
wish that more people would try making black & white films. |
You thought "Schindler's List" was
depressing and didn't like that Spielberg shot it in black &
white. |
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You enjoy reading quality film
reviews regardless of whether you agree with the rating. |
You only like critics who agree
with you and has at least one "Star Wars" movie in their top 10. |
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You've seen over 300 films that
were made prior to 1980. |
You've seen under 2000 movies and
you are over 30 years old. |
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You champion letterboxing and hate
pan & scan with a passion. |
You don't know what letterboxing is
and hate movies with black lines. |
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You've seen all three of
Kieslowski's "Trois couleurs" and think that it is a great
trilogy. |
You've seen most of the Police
Academy films and thought that a few of them were quite good. |
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You think American nudity standards
are an embarrassing joke when you consider how much violence
we tolerate in movies. |
You don't like it when your kids
see boobies, but have no problem whatsoever with them going to the
opening night of "Saw". |
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You love great Italian films. |
You can't name 10 Italian films. |
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You are adept at and love finding
subtle references and homages to older films in a new director's
work. |
You didn't realize that references
and homages were very common occurrences... and you don't care. |
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You avoid Blockbuster Video. |
You only go to Blockbuster Video. |
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You appreciate all the talent from
down under - Nicole Kidman, Naomi Watts, Russell Crowe, Toni
Collette, Rose Byrne & Eric Bana |
You didn't know that Nicole Kidman,
Naomi Watts, Russell Crowe, Toni Collette, Rose Byrne & Eric Bana
weren't American. |
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You can't wait for the next film
from Lars von Trier or Lucas Moodysson |
You are most looking forward to
Superman Returns or X3. |
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You know what bulb-strength is. |
You know what popcorn butter is. |
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You appreciate "Titanic" as a great
film and an incredible cinematic accomplishment. |
You hate that it was so popular and
think that one of the "LOTR" or Star Wars films should've made
more. |
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You use an extensive vocabulary to
describe all sorts of filmgoing experiences. |
You describe every film you've ever
seen by using one of two terms, "Kicks Ass!" or "Sucks!" |
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You hate ads before movies, but
don't mind a preview or two. |
You don't care either way because
you are rarely on time anyway. |
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You stay during the credits. |
You leave when it fades to black. |
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You have at least 10 foreign
language films in your Top 100. |
You've seen about 10 foreign
language films and a few were ok. |
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You have at least 1 silent film in
your Top 100. |
You get really bored with silent
films because of the silence. |
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You have at least 10 black and
white films in your Top 100. |
You think colorization is a pretty
good idea. |
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You think that people who disliked
"Lost in Translation" are lacking in some regard when it comes to
recognizing subtlety and depth. |
You think that people who liked
"Lost in Translation" are stuck-up posers who only like it because
it is critically acclaimed. |
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You think the term "critically
acclaimed" is more meaningful than "popular". |
You think the term "critically
acclaimed" is the sign of a boring movie to come. |
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You think the IMDb ratings are a
joke and that their Top 250 poll is worthless because it is more
representative of the least hated and least controversial films. |
You base a lot of your rentals by
what the IMDb ratings and reviews and polls say because if that
many people like a film, how can it possibly be bad? |
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You read and respect Roger Ebert's
witty reviews.. |
You think Roger Ebert needs to
learn something about film. |
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You've seen an Iranian film. |
You don't believe Iran makes films. |
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You think red digital read-outs are
funny and ultimately ridiculous. |
You think red digital read-outs add
tension to a scene. |
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You think that this column is
insightful and witty, justly making fun of the many mindless sheep
who only flock to see the most publicized films of the year. |
You think that this column is
pretentious and that I shouldn't make fun of people who see movies
purely a means of entertainment rather than as an artistic medium. |
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You hate Michael Medved because he
is an utter tool. |
You think Michael Medved's bushy
mustache is cute. |
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You miss Gene Siskel. |
You didn't know he was gone. |
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You think critics serve a purpose. |
You think critics are worthless. |
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You like this website |
You hate this website. |
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You have written about film. |
You don't like writing. |
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You care about film. |
You don't really care that much. |
