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The
Somewhat Late, But Still Useful,
Summer 2007 Movie Preview
(Or a
Better Title) |
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"Who Needs a Beach
Paradise This Summer?" |
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A Jacob Hall Column
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May, 2007 |
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So the lights dimmed in “Spider-Man 3” the other day and I was treated
to a series of coming attractions. Virtually all of them were coming in
the next few months and all of them were massive looking productions
with slick effects and big name. Summer is upon us. |
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Sitting there, watching
these trailers, I realized that I had an opinion on all of them, despite
having not seen any of them. So I’ve gone through the release schedule
for the next four months, picking and choosing movies of note, attaching
my opinion to them. This is not a definitive list, but it may very well
be the best list (tongue firmly in cheek, folks). So, not including
“Spider-Man 3,” I present THE SUMMER OF 2007.
MAY 11th
“28 Weeks Later”
Anticipation Level: 9
Notes: Okay, so perhaps looking forward to a big-budget, studio produced
sequel to a low-budget modern cult classic is a little odd, especially
since original director Danny Boyle is not attached, but how ‘bout that
trailer? Seriously, the “28 Weeks Later” trailer is one of the most
impressive in recent memory…more eye catching and exhilarating than the
trailers for “Spider-Man 3” and “Shrek 3” and “Transformers” and on and
on. Naturally, it’s foolish to judge a movie based on it’s trailer, but
I’m more than willing to lay my money down for this one.
“Georgia Rule”
Anticipation Level: 3
Notes: The names Garry Marshall, Jane Fonda and Lindsay Lohan may scream
“Great!” to a lot of people, but to me, they scream “Princess Diaries,”
“Monster-in-Law” and “crack addict,” so color me disinterested.
“The Ex”
Anticipation Level: 6
Notes: I love Zach Braff from “Scrubs.” I love Jason Bateman from
“Arrested Development.” The idea of the two of them going head-to-head
in sequences of outrageous comedy amuses me. However, considering how
often this one has been delayed and rescheduled, there exists a sinking
feeling in the pit of my stomach.
“Delta Farce”
Anticipation Level: 2
Notes: Somehow, the legions of rednecks who worship at the feet of Larry
the Cable Guy didn’t make his first movie a success. I hope this could
put a bullet in the head of his struggling film career. I hate his
comedy and I hate this strangely racist rip-off of “The Three Amigos”
even more, despite having not seen it.
MAY 18th
“Shrek the Third”
Anticipation Level: 7
Notes: Here comes more trailer analysis! The preview for “Shrek the
Third” is terrible. Simply terrible. Awful in just about ever imaginable
way. Then I remind myself that the trailers for each of the previous
movies were just as bad and I liked those. So I shall see this one with
an open mind, hoping it’s just as successful as the first two. What
really has me interested, though, is the additions to the already
bulging cast. In addition to Mike Myers, Cameron Diaz, Eddie Murphy,
Antonio Banderas, John Cleese, Julie Andrews and Rupert Everett, we can
now witness the vocal talents of Eric Idle, Justin Timberlake, John
Krasinki, Ian McShane, Cheri Oteri, Regis Philbin (!), Amy Poehler, Seth
Rogen, Maya Rudolph and Amy Sedaris. Hearing this ensemble should be
worth the admission price alone.
MAY 25th
“Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End”
Anticipation Level: 8
Notes: So…I like this series. I liked the second one. I even liked the
cliffhanger ending. I am especially glad that I don’t have to wait three
years to see what happens next. I’m particularly excited to see Geoffery
Rush back and kicking ass. The big question here is whether or not this
will fall victim to the dreaded curse that seems to befall the third
film in a trilogy when it’s filmed at the same time as the second. It
seems unlikely this will bomb, but did anyone expect the mediocre
performances of “Back to the Future Part III” and “The Matrix
Revolutions”?
“Bug”
Anticipation Level: 6
Notes: I can’t say that I’m particularly jumping out of seat to see this
one, but the fact that it’s horror movie based on a play (something that
I honestly didn’t think really existed) has me intrigued. I may squeeze
it in before or after “Pirates.”
JUNE 1st
“Mr. Brooks”
Anticipation Level: 5
Notes: Kevin Costner exists as a guilty pleasure for me. I know that I
shouldn’t like him, but I do, I really do. His acting may be a little
wooden, but there’s something about him that won’t let me take my eyes
off him. Normally, the idea of Costner playing a vicious murderer would
have me lining up in advance, but co-star Dane Cook (!) has convinced me
to stay far, far away.
“Knocked Up”
Anticipation Level: 9
Notes: I’ve been reading reviews from advance screenings of this for
months upon months now and I can’t recall any review that had a negative
thing to say. After “The 40-Year Old Virgin,” Writer-Director Judd
Apatow has a lot to live up to, but it seems like he may have hit the
ball out of the park. It has everything that made “Virgin” great: a
funny trailer, an amazing poster that showcases an amazing comedic actor
in his first starring role, Judd Apatow acting as support and…well, Judd
Apatow.
“Rise: Blood Hunter”
Anticipation Level: 1
Notes: You won’t see this. I won’t see this. I just think the title is
funny.
JUNE 8th
“Surf’s Up”
Anticipation Level: 4
Notes: What! ANOTHER penguin movie? There is something wrong when
penguins are the big thing in Hollywood. However, I just saw the trailer
for this and the idea of a fully animated mockumentary has me slightly
intrigued. If they stick to their guns and keep the whole thing in doc
format, this could stand a chance at being unique. If they break that
format, it’s just another crappy penguin movie.
“Ocean’s 13”
Anticipation Level: 6
Notes: I don’t think I’m alone in saying that “Ocean’s 12” was one of
the biggest wastes of two hours I have ever encountered. It was boring,
stupid and insulting. If I wanted to watch movie stars stand around and
posing, I’d watch the E! channel, not lay down my hard earned cash for a
damned heist movie. At the same time, I think Owen Gleiberman at
Entertainment Weekly may be right when he lists this as one of his most
anticipated movies of the summer, saying “I think they realize they owe
us one.” A pretty cool trailer that actually promises a PLOT helps a
lot. Not to mention Al Pacino’s mere presence. But after “Gigli,” what
does that mean anymore?
“Hostel: Part II”
Anticipation Level: 7
Notes: Or, “Quentin Tarantino Presents Eli Roth’s Hostel: Part II.”
Pretentious titles aside, this one has my money. I could engage in the
ever-going “torture porn” debate here, but I won’t. I liked the first
one. It was a successful horror film; it disturbed me, frightened me and
by the end, actually had me fully invested in it. Eli Roth is a pretty
solid director. You can say what you want about his content, but his
presentation is pretty masterful. I could bring up the disturbing
misogynistic poster art that surfaced online, but then I would be
breaking my promise not to engage in the torture porn debate.
JUNE 15th
“Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer”
Anticipation Level: 3
Notes: Like the entire torture porn debate, I’m going to try to avoid
fanboy theatrics here and I’ll just focus on how the first entry in this
series was a piss-poor movie in every aspect and how I find it
impossible to remotely look forward to this, nifty trailer or not. Of
course, I could mention the raping of a 40 year comic legacy, but I’m
going to file that away with “torture porn.”
“Nancy Drew”
Anticipation Level: 0
Notes: It’s not that I hate Nancy Drew and it’s not that I hate the
poster or the trailer or the cast or anyone involved…it’s just that this
is a movie for 8 year old girls and their suffering parents, not for me.
“Fido”
Anticipation Level: 7
Notes: Check out the IMDB Plot description: “Timmy Robinson scrambles to
keep his best friend, a zombie he named Fido , part of the family after
the big guy eats the Robinson's next-door neighbor.” Then check out the
awesome trailer. You’ll want to see it, too.
JUNE 22nd
“Even Almighty”
Anticipation Level: 4
Notes: Steve Carell is funnier right now than Jim Carrey has ever been.
With that said, “Evan Almighty” already has one thing on “Bruce
Almighty.” Despite this, the “most expensive comedy ever made” has the
look of tripe like “Night at the Museum,” with it’s PG rating and family
friendly animal antics. Carell should keep this a lively affair, but can
he make it a GOOD affair?
“Captivity”
Anticipation Level: 1
Notes: I shouldn’t even be wasting ink on this after the producer’s
shady antics with billboard advertising, but I just want the opportunity
to proclaim that there’s a movie coming out this summer starring “Cougar
Bait” Bauer herself, Elisha Cuthbert, whose inability to act is masked
by her chest.
“DOA: Dead or Alive:
Anticipation Level: 2
Notes: The last I heard of this, it was going straight to video. I’m not
sure exactly how it ended up theatres, but eh, who cares? If my memory
serves me correctly, this has been sitting on the shelf for some time…I
do remember seeing a trailer about two years ago. This negativity comes
from the target audience: I am a young male who actually has played the
“Dead or Alive” video games. This is a tough sell to anyone with a
brain.
“A Mighty Heart”
Anticipation Level: 5
Notes: I don’t fancy myself an Angelina Jolie fan, so the film’s main
selling point goes right past me. However, I am interested in director
Michael Winterbottom, who supposedly shot this in a guerrilla,
improvisational style.
JUNE 29th
“Ratatouille”
Anticipation Level: 10
Notes: Pixar is the most consistently great production company working
in the film industry. They’ve had a few slight misses, but none of their
films have been bad or even mediocre. “Ratatouille” sounds a little dull
when you hear the basic premise (A rat wants to be a chef? Come on!),
but Brad Bird, the genius behind “The Incredibles” and “The Iron Giant”
is back in the director’s chair. Most importantly, after viewing the 9
minutes or footage that Disney released online, I have to say that this
not only looks gorgeous, but hilarious, heartwarming and completely
thrilling and enthralling. This is my most anticipated movie of the
summer.
“Live Free or Die Hard”
Anticipation Level: 4
Notes: I find it difficult to put any sort of faith in a Len
“Underworld” Wiseman project. That’s why is hurts me that he’s directing
the fourth John McClane adventure. Adding to the mess is the news that
this one could be PG-13 despite being part of a series that is famous,
and beloved, for it’s bloody, often over-the-top violence and it’s
inventive and iconic use of profanity. This is looking more and more
like a studio’s assembly line summer release, lacking the tone and humor
that made the first film (and to a lesser extent, the other two) an
altar at which movie fans worship regularly,
“Eagle vs Shark:
Anticipation Level: 5
Notes: Positives: A funny trailer and a funny premise. Negatives: I’m
getting a slight “Napoleon Dynamite” vibe here.
JULY 6th
“Transformers”
Anticipation Level: 0 or 8
Notes: I want to criticize this as being a bloated toy commercial
directed by the king of hacks himself, Michael Bay. I want to criticize
the fanbase who took a cartoon used to advertise a toy line and made it
into something akin to “The Lord of the Rings.” I want to say so
much…but I will be first in line for this one. I find myself drawn to
Bay’s movies. As genuinely awful as they usually are, as much as they
are black holes of entertainment, I watch them like a driver slows down
to witness a car accident. There’s so much wrong here, so much that will
kill your brain cells and lower your sperm count, but
I…can’t…stop…watching.
“License to Wed”
Anticipation Level: 3
Notes: Despite virtually everyone involved being taken from NBC’s
wonderful “The Office,” I can’t find myself working up too much
enthusiasm for a tired premise and a tired lead. Robin Williams needs to
get his act together before I completely give up on him. I don’t want
to, I love the guy, but his schtick got old ten years ago.
JULY 13th
“Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix”
Anticipation Level: 9
Notes: Now, I’m an avid reader of the Harry Potter books and if you’re
one of those pretentious pricks with a stick up your butt who dismisses
them as “kid’s stuff” should get off your high horse, put down your Ann
Ryand novels down and lock yourself in a cage deep underground where I
never have to see you again. With that said, the Harry Potter films have
been steadily improving, with the first two pretty dull and the latter
two pretty cool. I was expecting this one to be on par with the last
two, B-range, slightly forgettable and so forth, but the trailer for
“Order of the Phoenix” hit the net and my jaw hit the floor. If this
entry comes close to the tone and style of the trailer, then this will
be not only the best Potter movie yet, but a simply tremendous film.
“1408”
Anticipation Level: 10
Notes: Stephen King is a literary God, whose skill as a writer hasn’t
been widely noticed simply because he’s a genre writer. Since most
people only see the horror in his books (and not the characters or
themes or brilliant storytelling), most King adaptations have been
soulless exercises in lame horror. “1408” is an adaptation of a
fantastic Stephen King short story. Carrying the movie on his shoulders
is John Cusack, who I could watch eat chips for 90 minutes and never
grow bored. The trailer showcases Cusack, some really twisted visuals
and some great scares. Will this be the first great King adaptation? I
hope so.
“Rescue Dawn”
Anticipation Level: 9
Notes: I give you two names: Werner Herzog and Christian Bale. I give
you a plot outline: Two American soldiers escape a Vietnamese POW camp
and elude their captors through the jungle. Of curse you want to see it.
JULY 20th
“I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry”
Anticipation Level: 2
Notes: Because homophobia is funny! Okay, so this doesn’t look quite as
homophobic as the premise would suggest. Instead, it just looks boring.
Even the worst Adam Sandler movie has a laugh or two in it’s trailer,
but none here. I truly can’t fathom this thing maintaining any sort of
momentum for two hours. I can’t decide what’s worse: the fact that Adam
Sandler recently wowed me in “Reign Over Me” and now he’s back to this
tripe or the fact that people laugh pretty uproariously whenever this
trailer is played.
“Hairspray”
Anticipation Level: 5
Notes: I have seen “Hairspray” 1.5 times on stage. The first was when it
came to San Antonio and a family friend offered me tickets. I endured
it. The second was actually in New York City, where I left at
intermission, unable to take another second of it. I like my musicals
with a bit more wit and a bit more characterization and a bit more
attention to story and so forth (Tim Burton’s Sweeney Todd hits theatres
this winter!). “Harispray” and it’s bubblegum music, simplistic
characters and “beat you over the head until blood flows” theme of
“blacks and fats are people too!” is tiresome and dull. Then, of all
people to be directing, they’ve got Adam Shankman, the madman who
somehow managed to direct “Bringing Down the House,” “The Pacifier” and
“Cheaper by the Dozen 2.” Why is this not a 0? Because I like the
trailer. Hell…I admit it. I really like the trailer. I shouldn’t, but I
do. Shankman’s background as a choreographer actually seems to be put to
use and the thought of John Travolta in a fat suit sharing a romantic
duet with Christopher Walken gets me all sorts of excited. I’ll buy my
ticket. I may regret it, but I am looking forward to it.
JULY 27th
The Simpsons Movie
Anticipation Level: 9
Notes: There is nothing I can say here that will change your mind about
whether or not you will see “The Simpsons Movie.” You either think the
show should have ended years ago and this movie is a decade late or you
can’t wait to see the further adventures of Springfield’s favorite
family on the big screen. Count me in the latter. And if the movie is as
good as some of leaked bits and the trailers, it’s your loss for giving
it the skip.
AUGUST 3rd
“Underdog”
Anticipation Level: 1
Notes: A badly CGI’d dog fights crime. Take the kids. Go to sleep. Jason
Lee better hope “My Name Is Earl” stays afloat for a few more years.
“The Bourne Ultimatum”
Anticipation Level: 7
Notes: I do not like the first two “Bourne” films, the second one in
particular due to it’s ridiculous use of “shaky cam.” I left “The Bourne
Supremacy” with the world’s biggest migraine. I don’t mind handheld
camerawork…I do mind dangling your camera from a piece of string,
rapidly moving, hoping to get something interesting in the shot. I
cursed director Paul Greengrass, calling a hack and so forth. Then came
“United 93,” a film that worked on every level, reduced me to tears and
had me singing the ultimate praises of Greengrass. So I think I owe him
this one. I’m particularly curious about the car chase sequence that
supposedly took six weeks to film. If Greengrass can keep his shaky cam
within limits (like with “United 93”), this could be a nice ride.
AUGUST 10th
“Rush Hour 3”
Anticipation Level: 3
Notes: I have grudgingly enjoyed the past two “Rush Hour “ movies, won
over by their simplistic, but amusing mixture of martial arts and
bug-eyed Chris Tucker-isms. Things were already feeling a little stale
in part two and I always assumed that everyone involved noticed this and
that led to their decision to not further the adventures of America’s
most mediocre crime fighting odd couple. After some years a few massive
paychecks, Brett Ratner is back to add another soulless film to his
resume. We all know this will be a hit and nothing I say can stop droves
from seeing this.
“Stardust”
Anticipation Level: 8
Notes: I’ve been on a Neil Gaiman kick recently, reading everyone of his
that I can get my hands on. I just finished “Stardust” the other day and
was completely intoxicated by it’s charm and wit. Early word is that the
film adaptation feels like “The Princess Bride” and if they have in fact
nailed that tone, then all should come together brilliantly. Adding a
point or two to the anticipation level is Gaiman’s complete approval of
the script. Sadly, the studio seems to want to advertise this as “Lord
of Rings” or “Narnia,” just setting up ADD inflicted audiences for
disappointment.
“The Signal”
Anticipation Level: 8
Notes: There’s been some really nice word of mouth on this little indie
horror film about a signal that turns people into raving maniacs.
Despite a story that seems to heavily borrow from Stephen King’s “Cell,”
the structure of the film (three parts, each directed by a different
director) is interesting enough to warrant some attention.
“Daddy Day Camp”
Anticipation Level: 1
Notes: A sequel to a bad movie. That should be enough, but guess who
replaces Eddie Murphy? Cuba Gooding Jr. Further proof that this man’s
Oscar should be taken away from him as soon as possible.
AUGUST 17th
“The Invasion”
Anticipation Level: 4
Notes: Initially intriguing: an alien invasion movie starring Daniel
Craig and Nicole Kidman has got to be interesting, right? Well, when you
take into account that it’s yet ANOTHER remake of “Invasion of the Body
Snatchers” and that it was finished a year ago and was shelved and
recently underwent reshoots…bad sign…bad sign…
“Superbad”
Anticipation Level: 7
Notes: The second film on this list to feature “Arrested Development”
alumni (Michael Cera!). Therefore, it is worth your time because I can
guarantee that he will make you laugh at least once. Further reasons to
see this include the co-starring presence and script co-written by Seth
Rogen. The most obvious reason is that the trailer is really, really
funny.
“Bratz: The Movie”
Anticipation Level: -10
Notes: I recently took a winter job at a Target store. On my first day,
I was assigned to work in the toys section and the head of the
department was so impressed with my ability to take abuse from parents
and knock where the Legos were that I was placed there permanently. My
time there has led me to hate toys and to hate certain toys more than
others. At the top of the list is “Bratz,” slutty looking dolls with
freakishly large heads who looked like they should come with condoms and
lubricants instead of brushes and sports cars. Now they’re making a
movie. God help us. God help us all.
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